As all of my friends know, I am single with no children. My Mom is my best friend and the spitting image of my father. The hardest part about this deployment is letting my mom know that I am as ready for this as I will ever be.
She posted this amazing blog on her myspace page, with an incredible poem for her. While she has sent her husband off to war, I don't think I ever realized how hard it was for her to send her baby girl.
Mommy, it seems like this morning that I called you from Jackson Hole to your office in Saudi. Yesterday I was bringing home McDonald's after my early morning English class. It was the day before that, that we had just started walking every morning. And it was only three days ago that we walked into the recruiter's office.
Last week, we were volunteering at the thrift store and found my prom dress, and only a month ago that I started my first job and I am pretty sure the same day you started to throw out those damn smelly sneakers!
But really, I know, that it was six and a half years ago, that you watched me raise my right hand.
We always knew this day would come. I have been trained by the best amongst the better to do this. This is my calling. I was raised well by you and daddy and brought up in a family of tradition, honor, legacy and pride.
With my most recent Army training, my years of field experience, and my the values you and Daddy have instilled in my, I am more than ready to take on the challenge that is ahead of me.
I love you more than anything in the world, While I might be just another Airman deploying, I am always your daughter.
I wish you enough. Believe me when I say, this will be fun.
Today, I deploy to Iraq.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
And the journey begins
I said that graduation was officially the 5th of August, but we had graduation on 4 Aug. I leave in just a few days. We are taking a bus to OK and then flying straight over from there.
I have a lot of anxiety. I can't believe it is finally here. The last month and half has gone by incredibly quickly and hope that is an indicator of the next year. My bags are packed. All that is left is some dirty laundry and my civilian clothes which I will just through away when I leave. However, I did pack my running shoes in the wrong bag. LOL.
Monday night was a great experiance. We had several personal trying (yes, trying after a couple cancelled flights I think they finally made it. ) leave at Oh dark thirty. I stayed up and hung out with them and helped them load everything up on the bus. It was a different type of good bye than those where you see someone off for a PCS. Some of them I had never talked to before and just decided to hang out with. It was human. It was nostalgic. It was memorable. We talked and laughed about anything and everything (except their bus departure or Iraq).
They ended up making it to Baltimore. A few of them had canceled flights in Chicago, they all had a canceled flight in Baltimore and a canceled flight in Ramstein. The bad experience of being on a broken plane in Germany is that you really can't go far. You must stay in the terminal and hurry up and wait for it to be fixed, because when they are ready to board, you better have been on that plane 15 minutes earlier.
I have made some amazing acquaintances and a few I think will become close and long term friends.
There has even been a guy that I wish that we had met under different circumstances. He's incredibly smart, by which he has a great sense to have a conversation and be patient. He is a Comm troop too. He was two classes ahead of me and stuck on what they call the "bench." That is where they train extra Army personnel in the event that someone gets hurt, gets out or for whatever reason cannot deploy (They only do this with Army). The downside to that, is that those on the bench have no idea where they are going, or when. They could be here sometimes up to a year and then have to deploy for a year. But of course, he has no idea that I have this little crush on him. :-)
I have run into a friend of mine from Korea. He was my next door neighbor back when I lived on the first floor. His wife is coming in tonight (in about an hour actually :-)).
Let's see what other crazy stuff has gone on... I got to fire a couple of foreign weapons, the M-2 and 240. Now that was cool! Makes me kind of want to be a gun owner. I would probably never fire them because I hate cleaning them.
Well, ladies and gents, here's to my last weekend in the US for a year. I love you and I miss you.
My head is down, I promise, no purple hearts.
I have a lot of anxiety. I can't believe it is finally here. The last month and half has gone by incredibly quickly and hope that is an indicator of the next year. My bags are packed. All that is left is some dirty laundry and my civilian clothes which I will just through away when I leave. However, I did pack my running shoes in the wrong bag. LOL.
Monday night was a great experiance. We had several personal trying (yes, trying after a couple cancelled flights I think they finally made it. ) leave at Oh dark thirty. I stayed up and hung out with them and helped them load everything up on the bus. It was a different type of good bye than those where you see someone off for a PCS. Some of them I had never talked to before and just decided to hang out with. It was human. It was nostalgic. It was memorable. We talked and laughed about anything and everything (except their bus departure or Iraq).
They ended up making it to Baltimore. A few of them had canceled flights in Chicago, they all had a canceled flight in Baltimore and a canceled flight in Ramstein. The bad experience of being on a broken plane in Germany is that you really can't go far. You must stay in the terminal and hurry up and wait for it to be fixed, because when they are ready to board, you better have been on that plane 15 minutes earlier.
I have made some amazing acquaintances and a few I think will become close and long term friends.
There has even been a guy that I wish that we had met under different circumstances. He's incredibly smart, by which he has a great sense to have a conversation and be patient. He is a Comm troop too. He was two classes ahead of me and stuck on what they call the "bench." That is where they train extra Army personnel in the event that someone gets hurt, gets out or for whatever reason cannot deploy (They only do this with Army). The downside to that, is that those on the bench have no idea where they are going, or when. They could be here sometimes up to a year and then have to deploy for a year. But of course, he has no idea that I have this little crush on him. :-)
I have run into a friend of mine from Korea. He was my next door neighbor back when I lived on the first floor. His wife is coming in tonight (in about an hour actually :-)).
Let's see what other crazy stuff has gone on... I got to fire a couple of foreign weapons, the M-2 and 240. Now that was cool! Makes me kind of want to be a gun owner. I would probably never fire them because I hate cleaning them.
Well, ladies and gents, here's to my last weekend in the US for a year. I love you and I miss you.
My head is down, I promise, no purple hearts.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
You're almost outta here.
I heard this sitting in front of the PX yesterday. Didn't I just get here! It's weird to think that it was indeed a month ago! Yes, I am almost out of Kansas. So far, only fifty three MILLION things have changed. My graduation day is officially 5 Aug. Now, when I will actually leave FOB Army Strong, as they call our little training area, is still up in the air.
We have been getting quite the run around between the USAF and USA trying to work together. Fortunately, on my level, I don't see as much as there actually is. I am currently using a lot of my down time to try and sort out all of my issued gear. I plan on snail mailing a lot of it over there (who needs cold weather gear in Iraq in AUGUST?), mostly for the sake of not having to lug it all over Kuwait and Iraq.
I know you all appreciate my incredible grace and love to poke fun at me any time you can. Well, my lucky readers, today is the golden opportunity. I gave myself a concussion. A mild one, albeit, but a concussion non-the less. You ready to hear how it happened? I hit my head on the bunk bed! Yes, that is my combat training injury. I am fine now, and the bruising has went away.
I'm not sure what class is on the calender for tomorrow, but on Thursday we get to spend the entire day out at the range. We will leave around 08 and be back in about 03! Yippeeee! It's army training on the pop up targets.
My back, neck and shoulders are absolutely killing me. I figure all my gear I carry around is about 85 lbs or so and that's with out ammunition. It's been really hot, and with as much water as I try and drink, I just don't think it is enough. My lips are constantly chapped (that could be the sun exposure also).
For the most part however, we do have a decent amount of down time. Sometimes, it is a bit much, other times it's much needed. For example, the day after we shoot, Friday morning I have a class at 09. OUCH!
I keep forgetting to get a picture of me in all my battle rattle, but I promise to get that hooked up soon. But for now, it's getting late and I am off to bed.
We have been getting quite the run around between the USAF and USA trying to work together. Fortunately, on my level, I don't see as much as there actually is. I am currently using a lot of my down time to try and sort out all of my issued gear. I plan on snail mailing a lot of it over there (who needs cold weather gear in Iraq in AUGUST?), mostly for the sake of not having to lug it all over Kuwait and Iraq.
I know you all appreciate my incredible grace and love to poke fun at me any time you can. Well, my lucky readers, today is the golden opportunity. I gave myself a concussion. A mild one, albeit, but a concussion non-the less. You ready to hear how it happened? I hit my head on the bunk bed! Yes, that is my combat training injury. I am fine now, and the bruising has went away.
I'm not sure what class is on the calender for tomorrow, but on Thursday we get to spend the entire day out at the range. We will leave around 08 and be back in about 03! Yippeeee! It's army training on the pop up targets.
My back, neck and shoulders are absolutely killing me. I figure all my gear I carry around is about 85 lbs or so and that's with out ammunition. It's been really hot, and with as much water as I try and drink, I just don't think it is enough. My lips are constantly chapped (that could be the sun exposure also).
For the most part however, we do have a decent amount of down time. Sometimes, it is a bit much, other times it's much needed. For example, the day after we shoot, Friday morning I have a class at 09. OUCH!
I keep forgetting to get a picture of me in all my battle rattle, but I promise to get that hooked up soon. But for now, it's getting late and I am off to bed.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
I am American Airman
It's hard sometimes to stay focused. I have to constantly remind myself, that despite all the pain and heartache I am going through that it is for a reason. I have a good understanding of why we are in Iraq, but that doesn't mean that I really want to be there. I think it's a selfless experiance. My biggest reason for volunteering for this assignment is to get that checkmark for my military experiance. How proud can another military member be if they have never deployed. Believe me when I say I am scared. I am nervous. I am not alone though. There are (first of all) how many American men and women serving in the middle east? Secondly, I thought I came over here without anyone to miss me. I have seen the support of my close and tight knit group of friends from Biloxi. I have seen the compassion from my brothers and sisters all over the world. I miss you all. Over this long weekend I have gotten to talk to most of you. There are a few I haven't been able to get a hold of but I have not forgotten.
I don't think I could do this mission if we were in another un-supportive community as such during the Vietnam War. There is one distinct occasion during my flight to Kansas that made me want to cry. I met a six year old boy with Autism. He is my hero, even when he said I was his. I'll never forget that moment. I only hope he could understand how much it meant to me. I was sitting at the gate waiting for my plane when he ran up to me, his mother just a few steps behind me. He looked at me with these sweet, dream-filled eyes. What came out of his mouth was enough to break any grown persons bearing. "May I hug you?"
I don't think I could do this mission if we were in another un-supportive community as such during the Vietnam War. There is one distinct occasion during my flight to Kansas that made me want to cry. I met a six year old boy with Autism. He is my hero, even when he said I was his. I'll never forget that moment. I only hope he could understand how much it meant to me. I was sitting at the gate waiting for my plane when he ran up to me, his mother just a few steps behind me. He looked at me with these sweet, dream-filled eyes. What came out of his mouth was enough to break any grown persons bearing. "May I hug you?"
Monday, June 23, 2008
kansas
Hey Everyone! I am in Kansas and all settled in my dorm room with five other females. There are three that are on my team and I will go through training with and to Iraq with. Additionally, we have an army medic who leaves in about a month for iraq and another female who is going to Afghanistan. These first couple weeks have been briefings and now we are getting into the class portions. Right now we are focusing heavy on Arabic and "Understanding The Insurgency." Wow, I am just blown away by how much I thought I knew,but actually didn't. We have a four day pass for fourth of july and havent' decided what to do with it. I don't really have the money to fly anywhere.
Things seem kinda laid back, but then again, it's just the classroom portion. It is weird to be on the other side of the classroom! I am excited about the comm equipment portion. We will be working with the VRC 91A, the DAGR and the MBITR! All equipment I have taught! yay! Hopefully I'll learn a couple of cool new things.
Next week is only a three day week, but it will be busy none the less. We arm up with our M4s and M9s on Monday and turn them in on Friday Nights. We have every Sunday off. If you want to call, call then! I go to bed early, and get up early. It does make for a really long day, but honestly, I seem to be on the same schedule as I was at the School House in Keesler.
I have met some cool people so far, but believe me when I say I am lonely. I am sure some of you are sick of hearing me talk about Sean,but I do miss him. I often wonder if this would be easier. But hey, don't be mean. There isn't much to do here.
My wireless is 40 bucks a month, there is no common area (except for outside and the bathrooms! LOL) And not having a car makes it a little difficult to get around this HUGE but beautiful Fort!
The weather has been amazing. I have some how managed to sleep through every storm we have had here.
how does that happen when i woke up for every single one when I was In Biloxi?
Well, It's getting pretty late.
I love you and miss you tons!
ABC sends
Things seem kinda laid back, but then again, it's just the classroom portion. It is weird to be on the other side of the classroom! I am excited about the comm equipment portion. We will be working with the VRC 91A, the DAGR and the MBITR! All equipment I have taught! yay! Hopefully I'll learn a couple of cool new things.
Next week is only a three day week, but it will be busy none the less. We arm up with our M4s and M9s on Monday and turn them in on Friday Nights. We have every Sunday off. If you want to call, call then! I go to bed early, and get up early. It does make for a really long day, but honestly, I seem to be on the same schedule as I was at the School House in Keesler.
I have met some cool people so far, but believe me when I say I am lonely. I am sure some of you are sick of hearing me talk about Sean,but I do miss him. I often wonder if this would be easier. But hey, don't be mean. There isn't much to do here.
My wireless is 40 bucks a month, there is no common area (except for outside and the bathrooms! LOL) And not having a car makes it a little difficult to get around this HUGE but beautiful Fort!
The weather has been amazing. I have some how managed to sleep through every storm we have had here.
how does that happen when i woke up for every single one when I was In Biloxi?
Well, It's getting pretty late.
I love you and miss you tons!
ABC sends
Friday, June 13, 2008
It's the final countdown
I leave for Ft Riley on Sunday. I am so nervous I am making myself sick. Everyone keeps telling me it's normal to be like this. I suppose that is acceptable, but I just want it to go away. I really don't care to see the CC and First Sergeant again. I''m sure they are going to the airport just to make sure I am really gone.
I have no idea what I am really into. All I know is to keep my head down. Really?
If you thought your life was ever upside down and goint through hell, I have to tell you this is something completely different. This is more intense. It's ten degrees warmer, every room, right now. Your comfortable bed becomes hard as rock. Your clothes don't fit because you lost so much weight from worry. You aren't hungry but your stomach aches. Things that calmed you down make you jittery. Is this really what it's suppose to be like? Are you sure this is normal?
Then I remember how I ended up in this situation. I would have done anything to have been with him. I don't think, right now, I can get over volunteering for him.
Cheers, here's to the next 15 months.
I have no idea what I am really into. All I know is to keep my head down. Really?
If you thought your life was ever upside down and goint through hell, I have to tell you this is something completely different. This is more intense. It's ten degrees warmer, every room, right now. Your comfortable bed becomes hard as rock. Your clothes don't fit because you lost so much weight from worry. You aren't hungry but your stomach aches. Things that calmed you down make you jittery. Is this really what it's suppose to be like? Are you sure this is normal?
Then I remember how I ended up in this situation. I would have done anything to have been with him. I don't think, right now, I can get over volunteering for him.
Cheers, here's to the next 15 months.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
To kill some writer's block
1. list 20 things you want to say to 20 different people but know you never will.
2. Dont say who they are.
3. Feel free to comment, but dont confirm or answer anything.
4. Never Discuss it again.
1. You are the best. You are my escape from the world. When you locked me out of your life, you locked me in mine. All I want is my best friend back.
2. You know that things are fucked up and wrong. Why don't you help? Why watch a child drown when you could at least call for help? Are you scared? Or do you not know where you stand? Either way, the answer is messed up. Your insecurities should not be the death of someone else.
3. You are the most bluntly honest person I know, and I love it. You would say what you thought of people to their face instead of typing it in here if the moment were right. I haven't seen you much lately and it makes me sad because you're a great person to hang out with. You don't give a shit and you're the bravest little person I know. I'm not afraid to tell you anything because I know you're judgmental but in the right way.
4. You have ruined me for all the other men in the world. No man will ever stand a chance and mostly because I trusted you. You lied and hurt me in a way that no fist or knife could ever compare.
5. I miss you. I didn't realize it until just a little bit ago and you have been out of my life for almost three years, but I do miss you. It's unreal how it all happened. The last few days we actually talked were the best days of our relationship and now I have no idea. I often wonder if things could have been different in a different setting. I know I was a handful. I had no idea what I was doing to you, or even myself. I am sorry for the way I treated you. If it could be done all over, I would never let it happen like that.
6. I would be dead if it wasn't for you.
7. I am jealous of your love you two share. You remind me of Troy.
8. Hi.
9. I hate it when you think girls don't like you because you are too nice. It's not that you are too nice, it's that you will smother them until they can't breathe. Step back, don't rush things and just be patient.
10. If you weren't his friend, I would love to be your friend.
11. Maybe I did kinda do things wrong. However, I did love him. I still do. I know I hurt you. I am sorry.
12. You have no idea what happened behind these four walls of my home. Don't tell me I did the wrong thing. He lied and manipulated everyone. Of course everyone thought we were happy. I don't go airing my dirty laundry out in the open. How are things with your wife? I am sure you would say, "Oh, just fine." Yeah. Okay. You also have a mental painting of the way you see your brother and that I respect. You will never understand.
13. I love the way you say hey. I love the way you jump in and know I will hate you for it, but you also know it's the best thing for me. I love the way you are always there.
14. You will be an amazing mommy. I am so happy for all of your success in love. I am so grateful to have met you. The stories we have shared and the memories are breathtaking. As far as women go, you are the most inspirational and well rounded character I have ever met. You will be an amazing mommy.
15. Ugh, will you just get over it?
16. And the relevance of your experiences are what? I hate you, you classic ONE-UPPER-YOU.
17. You did the right thing.
18. I did what is best for me.
19. Let her go. She's happy.
20. Please come home.
2. Dont say who they are.
3. Feel free to comment, but dont confirm or answer anything.
4. Never Discuss it again.
1. You are the best. You are my escape from the world. When you locked me out of your life, you locked me in mine. All I want is my best friend back.
2. You know that things are fucked up and wrong. Why don't you help? Why watch a child drown when you could at least call for help? Are you scared? Or do you not know where you stand? Either way, the answer is messed up. Your insecurities should not be the death of someone else.
3. You are the most bluntly honest person I know, and I love it. You would say what you thought of people to their face instead of typing it in here if the moment were right. I haven't seen you much lately and it makes me sad because you're a great person to hang out with. You don't give a shit and you're the bravest little person I know. I'm not afraid to tell you anything because I know you're judgmental but in the right way.
4. You have ruined me for all the other men in the world. No man will ever stand a chance and mostly because I trusted you. You lied and hurt me in a way that no fist or knife could ever compare.
5. I miss you. I didn't realize it until just a little bit ago and you have been out of my life for almost three years, but I do miss you. It's unreal how it all happened. The last few days we actually talked were the best days of our relationship and now I have no idea. I often wonder if things could have been different in a different setting. I know I was a handful. I had no idea what I was doing to you, or even myself. I am sorry for the way I treated you. If it could be done all over, I would never let it happen like that.
6. I would be dead if it wasn't for you.
7. I am jealous of your love you two share. You remind me of Troy.
8. Hi.
9. I hate it when you think girls don't like you because you are too nice. It's not that you are too nice, it's that you will smother them until they can't breathe. Step back, don't rush things and just be patient.
10. If you weren't his friend, I would love to be your friend.
11. Maybe I did kinda do things wrong. However, I did love him. I still do. I know I hurt you. I am sorry.
12. You have no idea what happened behind these four walls of my home. Don't tell me I did the wrong thing. He lied and manipulated everyone. Of course everyone thought we were happy. I don't go airing my dirty laundry out in the open. How are things with your wife? I am sure you would say, "Oh, just fine." Yeah. Okay. You also have a mental painting of the way you see your brother and that I respect. You will never understand.
13. I love the way you say hey. I love the way you jump in and know I will hate you for it, but you also know it's the best thing for me. I love the way you are always there.
14. You will be an amazing mommy. I am so happy for all of your success in love. I am so grateful to have met you. The stories we have shared and the memories are breathtaking. As far as women go, you are the most inspirational and well rounded character I have ever met. You will be an amazing mommy.
15. Ugh, will you just get over it?
16. And the relevance of your experiences are what? I hate you, you classic ONE-UPPER-YOU.
17. You did the right thing.
18. I did what is best for me.
19. Let her go. She's happy.
20. Please come home.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Pictures on Government Computer
Who posts pictures on a government computer of a drunk night in New Orleans? My ex-boyfriend, that's who! They were obviously posted by him in his personal folder in his flight's directory...which for the record I do not have access! I am not sure what I am more mad about at the moment. Is it that they were posted for anyone in the 338th to look at? Or is it the fact that I was asked to remove them? I am not sure. Well, there were other people in these pictures. I didn't post them. Heck, I don't even own the camera they were taken with (see blog about him keeping the camera). She's pretty mad, too. I am super pissed. I asked the first sergeant for a no contact order. I don't care about my blanket which I swore we would have a custody battle over because I love that blanket. We'll forget about my baking dish which means a lot to me because I have owned it and it has been around the world with me! Ha ha ha...when you move a lot, the smallest things have sentimental value! I just want all ties cut...severed...removed...broken...GONE!
Monday, May 5, 2008
Some cleared out thoughts...
Okay, so let me say a couple of things. I want to explain that I am very excited for the journey ahead. I might have volunteered for this upcoming adventure under the guise of love and devotion. However, I am willing to go do what many others do not want to do. I am excited about getting back into my job. I am even more excited about busting my butt doing exactly what I enlisted for. Yes, my motivation was a [pathetic] man. Now, my motivation is much more than that. Well, honestly, it has nothing to do with a man. It's a fresh and new beginning...times two. In a short period of time I will be learning new things and meeting new people. I will return to Keesler at some point for a little blip and then it's off to start fresh and new in Germany. How much better can things get?
Well, I woke up mad this morning. Indescribably mad. I was so pissed because I woke up thinking about how much of an ass Sean was/is. Then I became even more outraged when I kept allowing him to walk over me time and time again. This is a change of pace for me. Usually, I'll cry. I'll hurt, and I'll miss the particular ex in question. But not this time (or last time for the record.) It just makes me mad that I did this stupid game of his for how long?
Funny after thought. Did you know it's illeagal in MS to promise to marry someone but not? Who would sue here?
At anyrate, I am very happy that I am mad. As odd as that may sound.
Well, I woke up mad this morning. Indescribably mad. I was so pissed because I woke up thinking about how much of an ass Sean was/is. Then I became even more outraged when I kept allowing him to walk over me time and time again. This is a change of pace for me. Usually, I'll cry. I'll hurt, and I'll miss the particular ex in question. But not this time (or last time for the record.) It just makes me mad that I did this stupid game of his for how long?
Funny after thought. Did you know it's illeagal in MS to promise to marry someone but not? Who would sue here?
At anyrate, I am very happy that I am mad. As odd as that may sound.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
You don't want my ex
Sean Stromer. Come on girls. I know you do it too. You type his name into google. So if you are reading this, don't think I'm being strange. In the nineties it might have been odd, but now that google is a common household name, it's pretty normal.
Okay, so on with why you don't want my ex.
Sean, Sean, Sean.
Our relationship started off in an odd manner. He tried to kiss me in his apartment. His apartment that he shared with my boyfriend. I was actually kind of creep-ed out by the gesture at the moment. But, it was more affection than I had been shown in a long time. I went to bed that night in his roommates bed, my then boyfriend. I placed a call the next day and broke up with him to date Sean. I went to see Sean and he couldn't keep his hands off me. There was attraction, passion, there was kindness. There was communication. And then there was Christmas day. I got Sean a ring. We were going to get married. He got me a camera...that he kept for himself. Then our JP date came and went. Then came Valentine's Day. Nothing. He got a hoodie, since he loves them so much. But I decided, no Christmas or VDAY present so I was keeping the hoodie. He still got the card though. I didn't even get that. Sean got an assignment to Honduras in our relationship. This is the best thing that could have happened. I volunteered for this one year tour in which this entire blog is dedicated to, so that when we were married, I wouldn't be sitting at home waiting for his phone call. Well, I am going to Iraq. I have an ex boyfriend who told me he loved me so early in the relationship and that there was no one else in the entire world. He told me he wanted to have kids. He really talked me into. So when I got pregnant, he stopped talking to me. I lost the baby due to some things they never seem to be able to explain. And we never had sex again. But it was all his idea. I even went back on Birth control. It's okay. I was a little tired of the missionary position. He literally laughed at anything and everything else, especially during sex. I think sex with my first boyfriend was better than sex with Sean.
The worse part about all of this, is that I believed him. We were engaged. But I don't think that anyone knew... Except us. I didn't have a ring. I am so stupid for believing all his lies. He would always want to try, but never did. His trying consisted of saying, "I want to be a better boyfriend." But yet he never did anything. He never really cared. When I was sick, I was still suppose to be able to do things for him. When he was sick, I was expected to leave him alone and not expect anything from him. His laundry, his cooking, his cleaning. I hate the way he just invited himself into my home like he lived there. He had no respect for my roommate. Hell, he had no respect for me. His bar of soap's in the shower. I guess he was too good for the bar of soap I have in there. He would leave his toothpaste in the sink. It was nasty. Underwear and tshirts just spontaneously appear mixed in my laundry.
How is it I have gotten this far and yet to mention the grand daddy of them all! Oh no! The weekend I was suppose to meet his family. Go home with him, he left! Just left. He was picking me up at 1030 and he never showed up. I just kept thinking, give him another minute. Well, at 1100 I called. He was already gone. He left with out saying goodbye! I can't believe I got stood up like that! Well, I should have known then.
How does a 32 year old man have a realtionship for the first time ever? Well, they don't. Like I have said in previous blogs, he's perma-bachelor. If he really thinks there is nothing wrong with what he is doing he will continue to live and love ALONE. I can't do anything for this disease. When you walk the face of the earth never having a partnership to be concerned with, it's what happens. Oh well.
I don't love you Sean. I thought I did. But you have no respect for PEOPLE. I will not tolerate any boyfriend of mine making fun of my friends, and especially my mother. I have never been so sure that I have done the right thing. Now, if only I didn't sacrifice everything, including my cushy southern assignment to go to IRAQ just to be with you. You will never have a good woman like myself ever again.
Okay, so on with why you don't want my ex.
Sean, Sean, Sean.
Our relationship started off in an odd manner. He tried to kiss me in his apartment. His apartment that he shared with my boyfriend. I was actually kind of creep-ed out by the gesture at the moment. But, it was more affection than I had been shown in a long time. I went to bed that night in his roommates bed, my then boyfriend. I placed a call the next day and broke up with him to date Sean. I went to see Sean and he couldn't keep his hands off me. There was attraction, passion, there was kindness. There was communication. And then there was Christmas day. I got Sean a ring. We were going to get married. He got me a camera...that he kept for himself. Then our JP date came and went. Then came Valentine's Day. Nothing. He got a hoodie, since he loves them so much. But I decided, no Christmas or VDAY present so I was keeping the hoodie. He still got the card though. I didn't even get that. Sean got an assignment to Honduras in our relationship. This is the best thing that could have happened. I volunteered for this one year tour in which this entire blog is dedicated to, so that when we were married, I wouldn't be sitting at home waiting for his phone call. Well, I am going to Iraq. I have an ex boyfriend who told me he loved me so early in the relationship and that there was no one else in the entire world. He told me he wanted to have kids. He really talked me into. So when I got pregnant, he stopped talking to me. I lost the baby due to some things they never seem to be able to explain. And we never had sex again. But it was all his idea. I even went back on Birth control. It's okay. I was a little tired of the missionary position. He literally laughed at anything and everything else, especially during sex. I think sex with my first boyfriend was better than sex with Sean.
The worse part about all of this, is that I believed him. We were engaged. But I don't think that anyone knew... Except us. I didn't have a ring. I am so stupid for believing all his lies. He would always want to try, but never did. His trying consisted of saying, "I want to be a better boyfriend." But yet he never did anything. He never really cared. When I was sick, I was still suppose to be able to do things for him. When he was sick, I was expected to leave him alone and not expect anything from him. His laundry, his cooking, his cleaning. I hate the way he just invited himself into my home like he lived there. He had no respect for my roommate. Hell, he had no respect for me. His bar of soap's in the shower. I guess he was too good for the bar of soap I have in there. He would leave his toothpaste in the sink. It was nasty. Underwear and tshirts just spontaneously appear mixed in my laundry.
How is it I have gotten this far and yet to mention the grand daddy of them all! Oh no! The weekend I was suppose to meet his family. Go home with him, he left! Just left. He was picking me up at 1030 and he never showed up. I just kept thinking, give him another minute. Well, at 1100 I called. He was already gone. He left with out saying goodbye! I can't believe I got stood up like that! Well, I should have known then.
How does a 32 year old man have a realtionship for the first time ever? Well, they don't. Like I have said in previous blogs, he's perma-bachelor. If he really thinks there is nothing wrong with what he is doing he will continue to live and love ALONE. I can't do anything for this disease. When you walk the face of the earth never having a partnership to be concerned with, it's what happens. Oh well.
I don't love you Sean. I thought I did. But you have no respect for PEOPLE. I will not tolerate any boyfriend of mine making fun of my friends, and especially my mother. I have never been so sure that I have done the right thing. Now, if only I didn't sacrifice everything, including my cushy southern assignment to go to IRAQ just to be with you. You will never have a good woman like myself ever again.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Germany? Yes, Please
I received notification of my follow on assignment on my 6 year anniversary! What a great way to start off my second enlistment! I'm stoked about Ramstein. I haven't been there since I was a little girl. I'm kinda type-less right now. I'll update you all later!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
45 Days
Well, I am officially single. I volunteered for this deployment hoping that it would keep Sean and I together. I volunteered so as soon as I would be done with my one year tour in Iraq we could be together. Now, I am single. I left Sean officially yesterday. We were going to get married before going. I asked him to just look at a calendar. Acknowledge. Show some level of commitment. I have learned two things from this though. One is, never break the cardinal rule. For starters, don't ever sacrifice what you love for any man. I was giving up my dream job, teaching to go to Iraq so I could try and follow him around the world. What was I seriously thinking? The second thing that I learned is there is a reason why he is 32 and still single. He's what I like to refer to as a perma-bachelor. He's spent so long doing his own thing, running around that he thinks that even being in a committed partnership he can still do so!
As if the showing up unannounced wasn't enough. I know you are all jumping into this a little bit late in the game. Sean and I met a while back but didn't actually start seeing each other until Thanksgiving of last year. It's kind of a sick and twisted story, and believe me, will make one hell of novel someday. Well, Christmas was okay. He got me a camera for Christmas, which he kept for himself. Valentine's Day was ignored. And now, I am deploying to Iraq and we will be apart for 19 months at least. Well, now it's forever.
I'm sorry, but there just comes a time when you get sick and tired of someone not wanting anything from you. Sex for one. Yes, I feel like we have been in a loveless marriage... Ha ha ha. Just a few months, well, Five and in the last two months, maybe more, we have had sex once. Yes. Once. WHoo hoo! Yep, he loves me doesn't he! He kept saying he wanted to do more. He wanted to be a better boyfriend. But he couldn't even acknowledge that I had put on somethong other than jeans and hoodie.
My students notice when I put on just the faintest hint of makeup at work, and he can't acknowledge me all dressed up.
But that's over.
I am 45 days till departure for Ft Riley, Kansas. I am nervous. I am scared. I have no idea what to expect and quite frankly do not like the idea of giving myself and IV. It's takes two at the hospital. One to distract me and another to poke me!
I really don't have any time to get ready for this deployment it seems. I am feeling a lot of pressure not to miss class. This really isn't my fault. But I guess it is. I volunteered out of vanity, in a sense. And now it's pointless.
As if the showing up unannounced wasn't enough. I know you are all jumping into this a little bit late in the game. Sean and I met a while back but didn't actually start seeing each other until Thanksgiving of last year. It's kind of a sick and twisted story, and believe me, will make one hell of novel someday. Well, Christmas was okay. He got me a camera for Christmas, which he kept for himself. Valentine's Day was ignored. And now, I am deploying to Iraq and we will be apart for 19 months at least. Well, now it's forever.
I'm sorry, but there just comes a time when you get sick and tired of someone not wanting anything from you. Sex for one. Yes, I feel like we have been in a loveless marriage... Ha ha ha. Just a few months, well, Five and in the last two months, maybe more, we have had sex once. Yes. Once. WHoo hoo! Yep, he loves me doesn't he! He kept saying he wanted to do more. He wanted to be a better boyfriend. But he couldn't even acknowledge that I had put on somethong other than jeans and hoodie.
My students notice when I put on just the faintest hint of makeup at work, and he can't acknowledge me all dressed up.
But that's over.
I am 45 days till departure for Ft Riley, Kansas. I am nervous. I am scared. I have no idea what to expect and quite frankly do not like the idea of giving myself and IV. It's takes two at the hospital. One to distract me and another to poke me!
I really don't have any time to get ready for this deployment it seems. I am feeling a lot of pressure not to miss class. This really isn't my fault. But I guess it is. I volunteered out of vanity, in a sense. And now it's pointless.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
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