45 Days

Well, I am officially single. I volunteered for this deployment hoping that it would keep Sean and I together. I volunteered so as soon as I would be done with my one year tour in Iraq we could be together. Now, I am single. I left Sean officially yesterday. We were going to get married before going. I asked him to just look at a calendar. Acknowledge. Show some level of commitment. I have learned two things from this though. One is, never break the cardinal rule. For starters, don't ever sacrifice what you love for any man. I was giving up my dream job, teaching to go to Iraq so I could try and follow him around the world. What was I seriously thinking? The second thing that I learned is there is a reason why he is 32 and still single. He's what I like to refer to as a perma-bachelor. He's spent so long doing his own thing, running around that he thinks that even being in a committed partnership he can still do so!

As if the showing up unannounced wasn't enough. I know you are all jumping into this a little bit late in the game. Sean and I met a while back but didn't actually start seeing each other until Thanksgiving of last year. It's kind of a sick and twisted story, and believe me, will make one hell of novel someday. Well, Christmas was okay. He got me a camera for Christmas, which he kept for himself. Valentine's Day was ignored. And now, I am deploying to Iraq and we will be apart for 19 months at least. Well, now it's forever.

I'm sorry, but there just comes a time when you get sick and tired of someone not wanting anything from you. Sex for one. Yes, I feel like we have been in a loveless marriage... Ha ha ha. Just a few months, well, Five and in the last two months, maybe more, we have had sex once. Yes. Once. WHoo hoo! Yep, he loves me doesn't he! He kept saying he wanted to do more. He wanted to be a better boyfriend. But he couldn't even acknowledge that I had put on somethong other than jeans and hoodie.

My students notice when I put on just the faintest hint of makeup at work, and he can't acknowledge me all dressed up.

But that's over.

I am 45 days till departure for Ft Riley, Kansas. I am nervous. I am scared. I have no idea what to expect and quite frankly do not like the idea of giving myself and IV. It's takes two at the hospital. One to distract me and another to poke me!

I really don't have any time to get ready for this deployment it seems. I am feeling a lot of pressure not to miss class. This really isn't my fault. But I guess it is. I volunteered out of vanity, in a sense. And now it's pointless.