1. list 20 things you want to say to 20 different people but know you never will.
2. Dont say who they are.
3. Feel free to comment, but dont confirm or answer anything.
4. Never Discuss it again.
1. You are the best. You are my escape from the world. When you locked me out of your life, you locked me in mine. All I want is my best friend back.
2. You know that things are fucked up and wrong. Why don't you help? Why watch a child drown when you could at least call for help? Are you scared? Or do you not know where you stand? Either way, the answer is messed up. Your insecurities should not be the death of someone else.
3. You are the most bluntly honest person I know, and I love it. You would say what you thought of people to their face instead of typing it in here if the moment were right. I haven't seen you much lately and it makes me sad because you're a great person to hang out with. You don't give a shit and you're the bravest little person I know. I'm not afraid to tell you anything because I know you're judgmental but in the right way.
4. You have ruined me for all the other men in the world. No man will ever stand a chance and mostly because I trusted you. You lied and hurt me in a way that no fist or knife could ever compare.
5. I miss you. I didn't realize it until just a little bit ago and you have been out of my life for almost three years, but I do miss you. It's unreal how it all happened. The last few days we actually talked were the best days of our relationship and now I have no idea. I often wonder if things could have been different in a different setting. I know I was a handful. I had no idea what I was doing to you, or even myself. I am sorry for the way I treated you. If it could be done all over, I would never let it happen like that.
6. I would be dead if it wasn't for you.
7. I am jealous of your love you two share. You remind me of Troy.
8. Hi.
9. I hate it when you think girls don't like you because you are too nice. It's not that you are too nice, it's that you will smother them until they can't breathe. Step back, don't rush things and just be patient.
10. If you weren't his friend, I would love to be your friend.
11. Maybe I did kinda do things wrong. However, I did love him. I still do. I know I hurt you. I am sorry.
12. You have no idea what happened behind these four walls of my home. Don't tell me I did the wrong thing. He lied and manipulated everyone. Of course everyone thought we were happy. I don't go airing my dirty laundry out in the open. How are things with your wife? I am sure you would say, "Oh, just fine." Yeah. Okay. You also have a mental painting of the way you see your brother and that I respect. You will never understand.
13. I love the way you say hey. I love the way you jump in and know I will hate you for it, but you also know it's the best thing for me. I love the way you are always there.
14. You will be an amazing mommy. I am so happy for all of your success in love. I am so grateful to have met you. The stories we have shared and the memories are breathtaking. As far as women go, you are the most inspirational and well rounded character I have ever met. You will be an amazing mommy.
15. Ugh, will you just get over it?
16. And the relevance of your experiences are what? I hate you, you classic ONE-UPPER-YOU.
17. You did the right thing.
18. I did what is best for me.
19. Let her go. She's happy.
20. Please come home.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Pictures on Government Computer
Who posts pictures on a government computer of a drunk night in New Orleans? My ex-boyfriend, that's who! They were obviously posted by him in his personal folder in his flight's directory...which for the record I do not have access! I am not sure what I am more mad about at the moment. Is it that they were posted for anyone in the 338th to look at? Or is it the fact that I was asked to remove them? I am not sure. Well, there were other people in these pictures. I didn't post them. Heck, I don't even own the camera they were taken with (see blog about him keeping the camera). She's pretty mad, too. I am super pissed. I asked the first sergeant for a no contact order. I don't care about my blanket which I swore we would have a custody battle over because I love that blanket. We'll forget about my baking dish which means a lot to me because I have owned it and it has been around the world with me! Ha ha ha...when you move a lot, the smallest things have sentimental value! I just want all ties cut...severed...removed...broken...GONE!
Monday, May 5, 2008
Some cleared out thoughts...
Okay, so let me say a couple of things. I want to explain that I am very excited for the journey ahead. I might have volunteered for this upcoming adventure under the guise of love and devotion. However, I am willing to go do what many others do not want to do. I am excited about getting back into my job. I am even more excited about busting my butt doing exactly what I enlisted for. Yes, my motivation was a [pathetic] man. Now, my motivation is much more than that. Well, honestly, it has nothing to do with a man. It's a fresh and new beginning...times two. In a short period of time I will be learning new things and meeting new people. I will return to Keesler at some point for a little blip and then it's off to start fresh and new in Germany. How much better can things get?
Well, I woke up mad this morning. Indescribably mad. I was so pissed because I woke up thinking about how much of an ass Sean was/is. Then I became even more outraged when I kept allowing him to walk over me time and time again. This is a change of pace for me. Usually, I'll cry. I'll hurt, and I'll miss the particular ex in question. But not this time (or last time for the record.) It just makes me mad that I did this stupid game of his for how long?
Funny after thought. Did you know it's illeagal in MS to promise to marry someone but not? Who would sue here?
At anyrate, I am very happy that I am mad. As odd as that may sound.
Well, I woke up mad this morning. Indescribably mad. I was so pissed because I woke up thinking about how much of an ass Sean was/is. Then I became even more outraged when I kept allowing him to walk over me time and time again. This is a change of pace for me. Usually, I'll cry. I'll hurt, and I'll miss the particular ex in question. But not this time (or last time for the record.) It just makes me mad that I did this stupid game of his for how long?
Funny after thought. Did you know it's illeagal in MS to promise to marry someone but not? Who would sue here?
At anyrate, I am very happy that I am mad. As odd as that may sound.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
You don't want my ex
Sean Stromer. Come on girls. I know you do it too. You type his name into google. So if you are reading this, don't think I'm being strange. In the nineties it might have been odd, but now that google is a common household name, it's pretty normal.
Okay, so on with why you don't want my ex.
Sean, Sean, Sean.
Our relationship started off in an odd manner. He tried to kiss me in his apartment. His apartment that he shared with my boyfriend. I was actually kind of creep-ed out by the gesture at the moment. But, it was more affection than I had been shown in a long time. I went to bed that night in his roommates bed, my then boyfriend. I placed a call the next day and broke up with him to date Sean. I went to see Sean and he couldn't keep his hands off me. There was attraction, passion, there was kindness. There was communication. And then there was Christmas day. I got Sean a ring. We were going to get married. He got me a camera...that he kept for himself. Then our JP date came and went. Then came Valentine's Day. Nothing. He got a hoodie, since he loves them so much. But I decided, no Christmas or VDAY present so I was keeping the hoodie. He still got the card though. I didn't even get that. Sean got an assignment to Honduras in our relationship. This is the best thing that could have happened. I volunteered for this one year tour in which this entire blog is dedicated to, so that when we were married, I wouldn't be sitting at home waiting for his phone call. Well, I am going to Iraq. I have an ex boyfriend who told me he loved me so early in the relationship and that there was no one else in the entire world. He told me he wanted to have kids. He really talked me into. So when I got pregnant, he stopped talking to me. I lost the baby due to some things they never seem to be able to explain. And we never had sex again. But it was all his idea. I even went back on Birth control. It's okay. I was a little tired of the missionary position. He literally laughed at anything and everything else, especially during sex. I think sex with my first boyfriend was better than sex with Sean.
The worse part about all of this, is that I believed him. We were engaged. But I don't think that anyone knew... Except us. I didn't have a ring. I am so stupid for believing all his lies. He would always want to try, but never did. His trying consisted of saying, "I want to be a better boyfriend." But yet he never did anything. He never really cared. When I was sick, I was still suppose to be able to do things for him. When he was sick, I was expected to leave him alone and not expect anything from him. His laundry, his cooking, his cleaning. I hate the way he just invited himself into my home like he lived there. He had no respect for my roommate. Hell, he had no respect for me. His bar of soap's in the shower. I guess he was too good for the bar of soap I have in there. He would leave his toothpaste in the sink. It was nasty. Underwear and tshirts just spontaneously appear mixed in my laundry.
How is it I have gotten this far and yet to mention the grand daddy of them all! Oh no! The weekend I was suppose to meet his family. Go home with him, he left! Just left. He was picking me up at 1030 and he never showed up. I just kept thinking, give him another minute. Well, at 1100 I called. He was already gone. He left with out saying goodbye! I can't believe I got stood up like that! Well, I should have known then.
How does a 32 year old man have a realtionship for the first time ever? Well, they don't. Like I have said in previous blogs, he's perma-bachelor. If he really thinks there is nothing wrong with what he is doing he will continue to live and love ALONE. I can't do anything for this disease. When you walk the face of the earth never having a partnership to be concerned with, it's what happens. Oh well.
I don't love you Sean. I thought I did. But you have no respect for PEOPLE. I will not tolerate any boyfriend of mine making fun of my friends, and especially my mother. I have never been so sure that I have done the right thing. Now, if only I didn't sacrifice everything, including my cushy southern assignment to go to IRAQ just to be with you. You will never have a good woman like myself ever again.
Okay, so on with why you don't want my ex.
Sean, Sean, Sean.
Our relationship started off in an odd manner. He tried to kiss me in his apartment. His apartment that he shared with my boyfriend. I was actually kind of creep-ed out by the gesture at the moment. But, it was more affection than I had been shown in a long time. I went to bed that night in his roommates bed, my then boyfriend. I placed a call the next day and broke up with him to date Sean. I went to see Sean and he couldn't keep his hands off me. There was attraction, passion, there was kindness. There was communication. And then there was Christmas day. I got Sean a ring. We were going to get married. He got me a camera...that he kept for himself. Then our JP date came and went. Then came Valentine's Day. Nothing. He got a hoodie, since he loves them so much. But I decided, no Christmas or VDAY present so I was keeping the hoodie. He still got the card though. I didn't even get that. Sean got an assignment to Honduras in our relationship. This is the best thing that could have happened. I volunteered for this one year tour in which this entire blog is dedicated to, so that when we were married, I wouldn't be sitting at home waiting for his phone call. Well, I am going to Iraq. I have an ex boyfriend who told me he loved me so early in the relationship and that there was no one else in the entire world. He told me he wanted to have kids. He really talked me into. So when I got pregnant, he stopped talking to me. I lost the baby due to some things they never seem to be able to explain. And we never had sex again. But it was all his idea. I even went back on Birth control. It's okay. I was a little tired of the missionary position. He literally laughed at anything and everything else, especially during sex. I think sex with my first boyfriend was better than sex with Sean.
The worse part about all of this, is that I believed him. We were engaged. But I don't think that anyone knew... Except us. I didn't have a ring. I am so stupid for believing all his lies. He would always want to try, but never did. His trying consisted of saying, "I want to be a better boyfriend." But yet he never did anything. He never really cared. When I was sick, I was still suppose to be able to do things for him. When he was sick, I was expected to leave him alone and not expect anything from him. His laundry, his cooking, his cleaning. I hate the way he just invited himself into my home like he lived there. He had no respect for my roommate. Hell, he had no respect for me. His bar of soap's in the shower. I guess he was too good for the bar of soap I have in there. He would leave his toothpaste in the sink. It was nasty. Underwear and tshirts just spontaneously appear mixed in my laundry.
How is it I have gotten this far and yet to mention the grand daddy of them all! Oh no! The weekend I was suppose to meet his family. Go home with him, he left! Just left. He was picking me up at 1030 and he never showed up. I just kept thinking, give him another minute. Well, at 1100 I called. He was already gone. He left with out saying goodbye! I can't believe I got stood up like that! Well, I should have known then.
How does a 32 year old man have a realtionship for the first time ever? Well, they don't. Like I have said in previous blogs, he's perma-bachelor. If he really thinks there is nothing wrong with what he is doing he will continue to live and love ALONE. I can't do anything for this disease. When you walk the face of the earth never having a partnership to be concerned with, it's what happens. Oh well.
I don't love you Sean. I thought I did. But you have no respect for PEOPLE. I will not tolerate any boyfriend of mine making fun of my friends, and especially my mother. I have never been so sure that I have done the right thing. Now, if only I didn't sacrifice everything, including my cushy southern assignment to go to IRAQ just to be with you. You will never have a good woman like myself ever again.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Germany? Yes, Please
I received notification of my follow on assignment on my 6 year anniversary! What a great way to start off my second enlistment! I'm stoked about Ramstein. I haven't been there since I was a little girl. I'm kinda type-less right now. I'll update you all later!
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